Trying Again

I WANT TO BE HURT.

No other way to say it.

I want soemone to beat the living shit out of me.

I need it. I need to breathe and this is thee only fucking way to get peace.

And I need peace.

I am not sure I even remember what that is anymore.

I have a loving family...beautiful children, perfect wife, mother and father who are straight out of an Italian storybook.

I have my own gallery and more friends than I can count.

And yet here I am, looking for trouble, looking to get hurt.

I gave up long ago trying to understand what the bloody hell is wrong with me.
  • Current Mood
    restless restless
foreverhers

1 Shot

The world is my oyster. So I plan on cracking the hell out of it!

I have reached the point in my life, where I can honestly say, "Hey, I do not give a shit."

It is rather refreshing.

Also, probably not a wise thing, considering that I am on the verge of thee breakdown to end all breakdowns. I have the right to be. I just walked in on my wife with someone who is not me in OUR bed. OUR bed. Bad enough she is cheating, but in OUR bloody bed?

I shall burn it. And, as much as it pains me, I shall wait til' they are NOT in it.

Were it a man, I think I could possibly understand a little. Something different. However, another woman? And THAT woman? My wife in bed with my therapist. I swear, I am not making this up. My wife has been fucking my therapist for God only knows how long?

I am beyond upset. I am beyond hurt. I am beyond caring.

I am going to fuck the hell out of life and I am going to do it now!

I raise my glass.

"A toast! To my beautiful wife, Angelina, and my lovely shrink, Emily! May the live long and be bloody miserable!"
  • Current Music
    Disco Night at the Bronze
beauty

Initive

Cant believe it!.. the intiive seems to be back!.. whats that crap about!.. seriously.. they left or we killed them or we did something or there just really good liars.. and now there back.. cant believe I had to run from soldiers I didn't even get to finish eat!..

I come into our house and slam the door behind me.this is ust great, now Spike wont et me out alone

"SPIKE!!!!"
hat

The Snore.....

Bloody hell.

BLOODY HELL!

BLOODY SODDING HELL!!!!!

BLOODY SODDING BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!

How dare she.

HOW BLOODY DARE SHE!

HOW SODDING BLOODY DARE SHE!!!!!

HOW BLOODY SODDING BLOODY DARE SHE!!!!!

She is NOT thee ONLY bloody cop in sunnydale! The town CAN run without her for one sodding weekend! How long have we been planning this? Oh yes, for 2 months. I have been waiting for 2 bloody months to have a weekend alone with my sodding wife! Why 2 months, you ask? It is rather simple, darling.....she has been supersoddingcop for thee past 2 months, filling in for 'detective has tickets to the sodding dodger game', and 'sergent has to go to bloody Vegas with the boys like he's 21 again'. She's a bloody detective for coco's sake and she's covering for a sodding sergent?

W O R K A H O L I C.

Everyone knows that she is thee bloody best, yet she still has to play supersoddingcop! Exhausted when she gets home, out the bloody door as soon as she woofs down the oh so delicious breakfast that I slave over, to make sure that she gets something into her somach that is not purchased at Dino's Doughnuts. Yes, cops DO eat them...or should I say, inhale them. Doughnuts and grease covered former bovine who have been horribly massacred for my darling wife's taste buds.

Yes, I take great care to make sure that my darling darling has some nutrition, clean clothes, a perfectly neat, organized and, may I say, deliciously odorous home, and what do I get? A romantic dinner complete with candlelight that is actually chewed? A day of lying in bed, in her strong, loving arms, in between fierce, feel it for days, naughty as you can get, hear it around the block, passion?????

You would think, yes?

No.

NO!  BLOODY SODDING NO!!!!!

I get a smack on my bum as she heads out.

A smack.

One smack.

On my bum.

This is my wife. The woman I love more than life it-bloody-self. The woman who knows that the mere brushing, no matter how LIGHTLY, against that part of my being sends me into a BLOODY SODDING-ahem.....yes, well.....when WAS the last time THAT happened? Hmmmmm, oh yes! Last monday evening, oh I remember it well. How could I forget that deep, fyarl demon snore that rang through my ears even tho' my head WAS buried between her legs.....

 


  • Current Music
    angry PUNK
hat

Falling

it had to happen.

They try to understand...they love me, they care about me...and I them. However, I knew it had to happen...knew that it WOULD happen.

And there is nothing they can do...nothing anyone can do. 

My daughter...i loathe doing this to her...just as loathe doing it to them...the women I love...but it is better this way.

I have black and blued mybloodyself and still, it isn't enough. Still, it consumes me, suffocates me.....

There is no other course...I know where I must be and that is where I am going.

They shall never know that William told me about this place. He only told me because I lied and said I needed to know while researching that nasty demon last month. I kept that little bit of information locked up safe away....I knew I would need it.

I shall find someone who will treat me like what I am...nothing...dirt...

My darlings shall be fine with each other.....my Tangi has her Lorne...

Everyone shall be better off this way. 
  • Current Mood
    rejected rejected
hat

Death

This is it.

I have reached my bloody limit. No, no I reached THAT long ago. It is time I stop playing this ridiculous game and do what I inevitably must do.

And...despite the pain it shall cause some, they WILL get over it and be better off in the long run.

"CORDELIA, BLOODY WELL GO HOME!"

I loathe yelling at her. Poor girl tried to get me out for awhile...gte my mind off of all of this...badness. And what did it get her? Yelled at, bitched at by me!

Just another in the, 'Everyone would be much better without me', column.

Look at that...such a pretty bruise...even prettier than the others. Each one gets prettier, oh, but the prettiest is yet to come...red so very accentuates black and blue now, doesn't it?
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed
hat

Confused

Sometimes, life is rather confusing.

Fighting evil, it's a good thing, something I am proud to do. And my family is as wonderful as a family can be.

It's me. I know it is. Why can I never seem to keep my head above the bloody water?    
 
  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy